What’s Behind the Argument?

Even as certified Pre-Marital Counselors, Tappy and I still have our arguments. In fact, some of the most heated arguments  have even happened when we were preparing to teach a Marriage class.

It was a weeknight. We had both gotten home from a full days work to sit down at the table and prepare the lesson for the following Saturday night class.

As we went through the material we would plan illustrations to bring the material to life, supplement from other studies we’ve done to offer more practical advise, and we were also creating a power point to be visually engaging for our students.

Power Points are important, but I felt that lesson-planning was becoming very inefficient by the constant pauses to change bullet points, fonts, and colors. After a while my frustration started to come out in my tone, and small remarks under my breath about how I wish Tap would stop working on the power point.

Before I knew it the frustration had escalated, and Tappy responded by slamming the laptop shut and exclaiming, “Fine, we won’t have a powerpoint.”

Then I rebutted, “Fine, and you can teach this class alone!”

During the whole evening I was begging him to work on the power point later, I argued that it wasn’t as important as the lesson, and how inefficient it seemed to be multi-tasking. I was talking about the external circumstances. The surface issue was I didn’t want to work on the power point while we lesson planned.

This caused Tap to argue the importance of the power point, how it helped us stay on track during our lesson, and how it made more sense to make it as we went through the lesson rather than after. The surface issue was that he wanted to do the power point simultaneously.

When we stay in the surface issues we offer ZERO sympathy. We don’t put ourselves in the other person’s shoes. Instead we are out to win the argument. 

After the blow up, we cooled down, and we wisened up. We remembered that all heated arguments aren’t about the surface issues, but something deeper.

Tap was probably the one to break the ice, by stating how he felt. “I feel unappreciated when you want me to stop working on the power point, because I feel that my contribution to the lesson isn’t important to you.”

My husband feels unappreciated. AAACK! That’s not what I want. Pause, Rewind. Now I’m slowing down to understand and empathize. I had the opportunity to say, “No, I love the power points you make, and I see how they help the class follow along and engage!” Trying to undue all the harm I’ve done, and shine light on all the positives I see and to show the appreciation he needed.

Then I shared my under-the-surface-feelings, “I feel disrespected when you would stop me in the middle of my sentences or thoughts to fix the power point, because I didn’t feel like you were concentrating on the lesson plan and our time was being wasted.”

That’s when he stepped into my shoes and saw how I was frustrated to watch him work on something I couldn’t help him with, and he began to see that his attention did appear to be pulled in two directions.

Surface issue: To work on the Power Point or Not to work on the Power Point

REAL issue: Feeling Unappreciated & Feeling Disrespected

 

Focusing on our feelings keeps the argument more humane and it opens us up to be more receptive of our partner’s point of view. Using an XYZ statement is a great way to express your feelings as well as help you identify your feelings in the middle of an argument. Here is an XYZ statement:

“I feel  ___X___, when  ___Y___, because ___Z___.”

If you scroll back up, you can see how Tappy and I used this exact framework to calm our argument down.

 

What are ways you turn a fight around?

Challenge: Next argument, try to use an XYZ statement and tell us how it goes.

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Asking Someone Out on a Date

When I met Tappy a crush began. We would cross paths in the hallway in College as I left class, and he was going to his. As time went on you could sense that I was hanging around after class, and he was coming early just to up the odds of running into each other. After every 2 minute conversation I would say, “We should get together sometime.” HINT HINT, *nudge* *nudge*

But he never got the hint! He’d say, “Ya that’d be fun,” and then walk into class like I didn’t exist. After a couple weeks of this, I decided I would break the social norm and ask him out! I walked back up the stairs and into that classroom, seconds before the professor was going to start and I asked Tappy if he would like to “hang out” with me and to let me know when right there in front of everyone.

I walked out of that classroom with hot rosy cheeks and so many embarrassing thoughts swimming in my head, but that night he sent me a message with the days and times he was available and said he would love to get together and do something.

Come to find out “Dates” are becoming rare, and asking someone out is even more unusual. This was already becoming the case 10 years ago, when Tap and I were in College. On our Christian campus the motto was “Ring By Spring.” Instead of traditional dates, individuals became couples and were talking marriage and commitment head first.

5 years ago, we were talking to a bundle of girls I enjoyed mentoring. The idea of having coffee with someone was “awkward” to them. They said “people don’t do that anymore.” “You are either friend-zoned or full out in a relationship.”  The commitment came before the date!

Then there’s now. Tappy and I recently watched a documentary called “The Dating Project,” which followed 5 single people at various ages (18-40’s) who live all across the US from New York to LA. They discuss the dating scene, their personal experiences, and their mindset for relationships. Over and Over the theme was of a “Hook Up” culture – Where individuals would find themselves wondering if they were “dating” someone or not, unclear of the other’s intentions, hooking up with strangers for status or some resemblance of love and attention.

Then, in the documentary, we meet a professor who sees this trend all over a university campus and decides to challenge it within her sociology class! She assigns her students to go on what she calls “Traditional Dates.” These Traditional Dates have some great rules that offer a guideline of where to get started when you are looking for a mate. Here are my favorite 4 Guidelines:

1. You Ask, You Pay & You Plan

Too often, students found themselves on an “accidate.” The fact that it was a date was never clear, or the intentions were different for each party. To date well, you need to do so with clear intentions. Make sure the person you ask knows that it’s a date.

This is where I failed. I didn’t clearly state that it was a date! So on our “date” we ran into my pastor who asked, OUT LOUD, if we were on a date! I was so nervous. I wanted it to be a date, but I hadn’t clearly stated that. I didn’t know if Tappy wanted it to be a date or not and here he is in ear shot! If I said yes, would he be freaked out, if I said no would he think I wasn’t interested?  Don’t make the same mistake.

Then if you ask, you should have a plan. Keep it simple and in an environment that allows conversation (unlike a movie). My personal favorite is an icecream date! Tap would probably choose coffee. Other ideas would be long-boarding, rollerblading, a game of PIG basketball, a walk around campus or at a park.

2. Keep it under 90 Minutes

For a first date keep it short, 45-90 minutes. You are just testing the waters. If it’s bad you have an out. If it’s good, you keep the interest alive and you don’t beat it dead with a stick. They said get out under 90 minutes especially if it’s good.

This is one I would not have thought of! If I’m having fun I can easily loose track of time, but I think we can all agree that less can be more. I don’t think anyone regrets a little bit of a chase or those early butterflies.

3. Prepare 3 Questions

As well as planning the activity, you need to come prepared with three questions. Any more than that it may feel like an interrogation. However, three questions helps keep the conversation going and shows genuine interest. These questions can always generate follow-up questions, and that’s good. Go where the conversation leads! You shouldn’t follow your questions like a check list, just have them as back-up.

4. No Touchy

The purpose of dating is to get to know someone well and to discover if they are a good match for you. These first few dates should be touch free as you engage your mind.  An “A-Frame” hug is allowed, but touching shouldn’t be introduced until you’ve gone on multiple dates and see a possibility of a future and lock-in a relationship status.

This here is super counter-cultural, when we live in a world of Friends with Benefits and Casual Hook-Ups this may not make sense. However, our bodies are literally scientifically wired to create emotional connections out of physical ones (It’s called Oxytocin). Then the more emotionally attached the more biased our opinions and the more our decisions are affected. #beenthere #donethat Tap and I have both stated that we stayed in bad relationships, because we were prematurely invested.  It can keep our decisions wiser to not engage prematurely in touch.

 

Tell me, what do you think of traditional dates? What are some of your favorite date ideas?

Singles: Go ask someone out! Use the guidelines, and tell us how it went!

Couples: Tell us your first date stories!

For more “First Level Date” guidelines check out the documentary “The Dating Project.“

 

 

Why #LoveYourSpouse Challenge is Good

I understand why people are rolling their eyes at the #LoveYourSpouse trend…  Because the reality is, life is NOT A FAIRY TALE.

And for most people who are against the trend rightly feel that it is a little too polished and perfect to be true. However, this challenge is a reminder of something all couples need a little more of.

Positivity. Bonding. Forgiveness. Solidarity. Encouragement.

Here are three short reasons why the #LoveYourSpouse Challenge is a good thing.

-Keeping a Positive Outlook on Your Marriage is Healthy-

I’ve shared before that Tap and I have made a commitment to not bash each other in public. When we do this we feel safe in our relationship, we don’t fear embarrassment in-front of or away from our spouse. Our spouse knows our deepest and most hidden flaws, and with this rule I feel safe with him knowing all of me.

So no, facebook doesn’t show the reality of our roller coaster relationship, but it shouldn’t have to. Fights are for us in our own space and time, until they’re too big- Then they’re for us and a mutually trusted counselor or wiser couple.

-Telling and Sharing Your Story is Bonding-

In all of my communication & relationship courses in college the theme of “story” was studied. The premise was that “memory sharing” creates and reinforces a bond between two people. Just watch a couple recite their story, over time they can finish each other’s sentences and they can repeat this story with bravado! You also begin to see them lean into each other, and show outward signs of affection.

Why? Because, once you walk down memory lane it tends to resurface some of those initial butterfly feelings.

Furthermore! Every positive memory is like an investment in your relationship. So when those imperfect hard times hit, you have an investment that softens the blow! We need to keep remembering the reasons we love our spouse, as well as create more reasons and memories for future hardships.

-We all Desperately Need Encouragement-

We should never stop encouraging our spouse… or our friends, family, or other marriages and love stories.

Just after 4.5 years of my marriage, I may feel like I’m not the woman my husband married. Fear that I have disappointed him with the pounds I’ve gained, the patience I’ve lost, and the slow change of personality that happens with experience and time. We all doubt ourselves, and need the reminder and reaffirmation that our marriage is still strong in the midst of challenge or change.

Even in a healthy, loving, committed relationship, I’m glad to still hear I love you.. still.

It is important to remind each other that we did, do, and will always love one another, despite the surfacing flaws, bumps in the road, and challenges we face.

And in a world that pushes divorce, selfishness, and the pursuit of happiness over holiness, it’s good to see love conquer.

How about you? Will you be joining the challenge? Why or why not?

 

What If I Fall?

 

I’ve fallen before… many times, I have scars to prove it. And as a child I don’t think I ever feared the falling. Falling from my first steps, falling from the pine tree at my sister’s as I learned to climb it, falling from my bike, my Rollerblade races, from sitting on my self-made tower of waffle blocks….

I’m sure that my parents didn’t even try to keep count of my scraped knees, the band-aids, or tears.

To this day I can still ride a bike, Rollerblade… and I’ve added long boarding, skiing, and so much more to my list.  And with time the falling grew less.

However, what I never meant to add to my list was the actual fear of falling.

Last ski trip, I was scared for the first time of riding the ski lift. I pulled the safety bar down as we climbed up into the mountain.  A thing I never did in the past, no matter how high we would climb.

When did that fear slip in?

And not only has it found me, but it’s taken over corners of my life.

Now I’m scared of what people think, fear of failing, fear of embarrassment, fear of disappointment… To the point that sometimes fear paralyzes me. It feeds me the lie- better not to try then to try and fail (in front of everyone).

Oh, but darling… What if you fly?

You could not only obtain your dream, but God could take you further than you allowed yourself to first dream.  Maybe this dream will whisk you away into a life you truly love- wrapped up in excitement, purpose, meaning. Maybe this dream is a step into a further calling.

Perhaps you’ll be as loved as those you love and admire- Beth Moore and Jen Hatmaker… Maybe you will do what you’ve always wanted to do- Write a book, or have a beloved tribe of friends.

Be surrounded by those you need, be where you need to be, doing what you were made to do.

And the only one holding you back is you.

Please don’t let fear hold you back from the life you’ll love and even more importantly- the life God has asked you to live, that He has equipped you for, the life that will breathe life into others.

Fly and Live.  Fly and Love.  Fly and Inspire.

When did fear join your journey? Why do you think you’ve given fear so much power in your life? What do you want to fly into?

Learning to Stop, and Love

The other morning as I was driving to work, I was talking to my sweet husband. He had decided to give his day off-after a long hard week- to paint furniture for our new apartment.

I’m so incredibly blessed by him, it was supposed to hit the 90’s, and furniture painting isn’t the most fun of activities… I had helped him back on Memorial Day and 6 chairs and 3 coats later I was more than done with it!

So all of this to say, my husband is awesome, and yet I am so so far from it.

On the phone he asked me a question and I thought it was a silly one- I pointed it out and got on the weirdest little soapbox, as if I was performing for the debate team.

My case was solid from every direction, backed up with facts and snarky comments… until Tap broke in and tore my case apart with one line.

“Honey.. it was just a question, you don’t have to treat me like a moron.”

And Smack.

For a moment I was rolling around in my own glory and the feeling of being right, to find I was just rolling in the mud of pride and self-righteousness.

Such an ugly pride.

It hurt, because I had hurt him and he was right.

I need to learn how to stop.

People rarely need a reminder of their faults and shortcomings. We are all so aware already- burying ourselves in grief. We do not need to add a single thing to this pile of self-loathing in ANY way.

But rather we should lift this burden off others, especially our men. And begin to build them up.

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. Now we ask you, brothers and sisters, to acknowledge those who work hard among you, who care for you in the Lord and who admonish you.  Hold them in the highest regard in love because of their work. Live in peace with each other. And we urge you, brothers and sisters, warn those who are idle and disruptive, encourage the disheartened, help the weak, be patient with everyone. Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else.

 Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

1 Thessalonians 5:11-15

Stop rolling around in the feeling of “being right” to only come up filthy. Let us stop our silly debate teams, soap boxes, and self-righteous monologues, and start being cheerleaders, builders, teammates, and dreamers.

 

Thank you honey, for painting the rest of the furniture. For being my team mate in making a house a home. You are strong, talented, and becoming quite the handy man!

Love,

Emilie

Memories of the Table

“They followed a daily discipline of worship in the Temple followed by meals at home, every meal a celebration, exuberant and joyful, as they praised God.”

Acts 2:46, The Message

After living with my parents for 6 months, my husband and I finally found a place to rent and call home! We don’t get to move in until July, but we are so excited that we keep dreaming of ways to make it ours.

Now that our space will allow it, we wanted to get a bigger kitchen table- Bigger to have more loved ones around, to throw more dinner parties at, to fill with boisterous laughter, tears of sincerity, and meaningful conversation.

A table to nourish the bellies and hearts of others.

We found a table in the liquidation section of a local furniture store, bargained down to a whopping’ $50 bucks! Once Tap had sanded it down we were ready to paint!

We spent our Memorial Day painting together. Beginning the table with memories and love… We listened to a sermon on Spiritual Gifts, and discussed new ways we could use ours. We painted as visitors came and watched in the shade. Neighbors visited and complimented our handiwork. Then we celebrated our team work with some hard-earned ice-cream.

I can already think back at other special memories that took place at a table…

We would stay up late in college studying and writing term papers there.

The Waffle Club would sit around that table laughing over telephone pictionary games gone awry.

At a table, we ate breakfast and shared our engagement story with our family.

We’ve had friends, families, pastors, bikers, musicians, teenagers, students, workers… all at our table.

I can’t wait to see what other memories will pop up at this table! …Especially as we begin to eat and break bread there.

What project could you and your husband do together to create teamwork and memories? What sweet moments have you shared at a table?

My Favorite Christmas Story

One of my favorite Christmas stories comes from John 1.  I know it’s not the usual baby in a manger scene you might expect, but it helps me soak in the Christmas miracle a little better than that well-known picture of Mary and Joseph bent over a cradle.

In John 1, a picture is painted of Jesus Christ being God. The same God who was there when the world was formed, the same God who created that world and each and every one of us.

Be still, and know.

Be still and soak in the power of God, the Creator.

God, the Creator, became a man, the creation.

Photo Courtesy of Giu Vicente at Unsplash

The first thought that comes to mind is 26-year-old-me being stuck in a baby’s body. How limiting that can be… little control over my limbs, complete dependence on mom and dad to feed, change, and clothe me.

I am only 26-years-old and not nearly as wise, righteous, and amazing as God… and I don’t think I’d like going back to being a baby.

Yet God… who IS all knowing, all powerful, all present, humbles Himself to human limitations.

Not just human limitations, but baby limitations. So that He could connect with us in a tangible way, and provide us the best Christmas gift.

Philippians 2:6-8 “Who, being in very nature^[a] God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;⁷ rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature^[b] of a servant, being made in human likeness.⁸ And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death— even death on a cross!”

Jesus Christ was fully God and fully Man. The only one completely pure, good, and just, the only one who was deserving of eternal life, left His throne for us.

Have you let the Christmas miracle soak in? Have you let the audacious love of God soak in? It’s tremendous.

What parts of the Christmas story excite you? What inspires you?

What does Jesus want for Christmas?

Every year I have the best of intentions to spend my Christmas wisely…. I tell myself to savor every moment, focus on what’s important, and remember the “reason for the season.”  Then before I know it, all good intentions aside, Christmas has come and gone in the blink of an eye.

With moving, adjusting, and getting new jobs… Christmas is approaching even more quickly this year- So I lay with my husband in bed last night and asked him, “What do you think Jesus would want from us during Christmas?”

After a few moments, we thought Jesus would want from us at Christmas-time, what He wants of us all the time.

Service, Joyful Giving, Worship, Evangelism, and taking care of the widows and orphans are just a few things that came to mind. Surprisingly the “Commercial” Christmas can help us accomplish some of these goals.

Service & Joyful Giving

During the Christmas season there are a lot of extra ways to serve! Ringing the Christmas bell for Salvation Army, buying for Angel Tree, packing boxes for Operation Christmas Child. Find a way to serve that meets your passion, talents, and abilities!

Give! Give as big as you can! A lot of non-profits encourage end-of-the-year giving with matching opportunities.  Even if you can only give a little, what you can give can be doubled! ‘Tis the season after all!

Worship

Christmas is the only season where Christian music is accepted and played everywhere! Have you ever thought of that? Christmas carols are often represented among the “Holiday Playlists” at stores like Target, Walmart, and the mall.

Then churches everywhere work hard to make worship services extra special, to bring God our best in worship.

We can also take worship out on the streets with us by carrying the tradition of Caroling door to door!

Evangelism & Discipleship

Sharing the gospel just gets easier with Christmas around! Why are you so joyful when everyone else is a scrooge? Why do you love Christmas so much? How are you celebrating this year? What is your favorite Christmas tradition? All of these questions can give you an opportunity to share!

Share that God, creator of the universe, humbled himself to become a baby… to live as His creation, live as a human, to die for our sins and give us eternal life.

Remember that huge humbug over the red Starbucks cups? A friend of mine made it an opportunity to share the gospel! She shared how the Red cup was like the blood of Jesus and the white represented the purity of His cleansing power. She has a great blog that you can check out here.

Widows & Orphans

Jesus mentions the orphans and the widows all of the time in the gospels, asking us to take care of them. We may not have the ability to adopt, but there are plenty of ways to help. You can make donations towards adoption agencies and programs; cook, babysit, or give to families full of adopted children; give towards personal funds for families planning to adopt.

 

What do you think Jesus wants from you during the Christmas season? How do you give a gift back to Him?

For more ways to keep God in the center check out : One Gift You Should Not Forget To Give and Sparkle Box Progress Report

Best and Most Challenging Parts of Marriage

A couple-friend of ours is engaged and currently doing pre-marital counseling. They were told to interview three couples (in different stages of marriage) with three questions.

And guess who was a lucky winner?! Tap and I!

We had a lot of fun mulling over these questions, and discussing them with our friends so I thought I’d share them with you.

1. What is the BEST thing about marriage?
2. What is the most CHALLENGING part of marriage?
3. What is your #1 best piece of ADVICE?

Photo Courtesy – Kevin Curtis at Unsplash

Tap and I have been married for 4 years on the 10th of December, and we are still learning just as much as the next couple…. But here are the few insights we were able to give.

What is the BEST thing about marriage : Friendship

Tappy and I probably could have said this in unison… we BOTH feel that this is just truly great.

We love that our team-mate, friend, and lover is always there. We don’t ever have to be alone, we have each other for all the hurdles and celebrations of life.

From this day forward, for better or worse, you always have someone there to go through it with you.

What is the most CHALLENGING part of marriage : Fighting Fair, Balance, & More

To be honest this question came with more than one answer… In the four short years we’ve had together we’ve seen different challenges… and I am positive it’s only a glimpse of the challenges yet to come.  But for each year of our life, I thought there was a challenge worth mentioning.

Year 1: Comparison

In year one, we compared our reality of marriage to our imagination of marriage. We had to learn what the difference was between our ideals and what was. But comparison went further for me… it was comparing myself to other women and specifically Tap’s ex’s. I had to learn confidence and grace for myself, and trust in how God made me, and trust what Tap said when he complimented me.

Year 2: Learning to Fight Fair

This is really more of an every-year thing… We still pull the gloves off every now and then and fight dirty, but the earlier you can drop the bad habits the better!

Tap and I have learned that we cannot go to bed angry, otherwise we can’t sleep.  However, this doesn’t work for everyone. It’s usually best to give yourself a “time-out” to clear your head, minimize the emotion, and get back down to business.

Another great thing for us is to remind ourselves we are a team… whatever we are fighting about, it should be us fighting together to tackle the issue. Try not to forget you are a team.

Year 3: Balancing Life

We don’t have kids yet, but we still had to learn to balance our lives: house chores, work, church, friends, alone time, and date time. It only gets harder when more things add to this list!

Because Tap works in ministry, there was an added dynamic to this.  It is wise to prioritize your life in this way: God, Wife, Kids, Work. But if Tap works for God (in ministry) then this list gets a little blurry. We had to define what items on his Job Description were “God things” and which were “Work things.” It was hard to define this line…. God’s work is important, but it is also important not to become a workaholic and to give your family the proper time they need.

What is your #1 Best Piece of Advice : Dating & Communication

It surprises me how many couples are scared to be vulnerable and honest in a culture that seems to be so “out-there.” Conversations can be tough, but if you can be courageous to discuss things and humble enough to listen it will save your marriage a lot of heart-ache.

Tap said Dating is his best advice… “Happy wife, happy life!” But really, dating allows you to stay connected, keep in touch, and grow together. It’s important to always invest in your relationship.

Tap didn’t realize this until he was married, but he opens up best when we go on walks.

In my studies I learned that men connect “Side by Side” while women tend to connect “Face to Face.”  While I can sit over coffee and talk for hours, a man typically prefers to bond through doing something… fixing a car, playing basketball, etc. So try to connect through doing… go on a walk, kayak, work on a project he’s passionate about, etc.  Don’t always expect him to open up by facing him directly (and possibly intimidatingly). haha.

See some great date ideas at TheDatingDivas.com or the book 10GreatDates, got a budget try $10GreatDates!

What questions would you ask? How would you answer these questions? Engage in the discussion!

Things I learned in Ohio

America is often called the “melting pot,” because a large variety of cultures melt together to make it. It’s exciting that one country can hold so many distinct differences, yet be one.

Born and raised in Illinois, I didn’t think Ohio would be much different…. I suppose our country isn’t quite as “melted” as you may expect.  Sprinkles are called Jimmies in the east. You all becomes Ya’ll in the south… and on it goes.

Here are a few things I learned about Ohio.

• People eat things called “Hummingbird Cake” and “Shoefly Pie“
• A “Carry-in” is the preferred term for a “Pot-luck”
• The DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles), is actually a BMV (Bureau)
• If you want to meet a group of people out at Buffalo Wild Wings, it’s nickname is no longer Bdubs, but B.W.3s.  (this one makes no sense to me)
• “Sweepers”… This was a whole new term for me, I assumed it was the item used to sweep which would only include brooms and swiffers in my book.  In Ohio it can mean a lot of things, even a vacuum or duster.
• Ohioans seem to always vacation in Michigan, yet they dislike MI when it comes to sports.
• They claim to have a lot of corn, but I think Illinois still wins.
• Gas Stations, without gas, that you can drive through… they’re everywhere.
• They do not have Mel-O-Cream donuts, and this is very sad.
• If someone yells “O-H” you’re supposed to yell back “I-O”
• Buckeyes are peanutbutter balls with chocolate, and everyone sells them and eats them and brings them to parties.
• Highlander Grogg is a coffee flavor found in every local coffee shop.
• UDF has amazing milkshakes, it doesn’t matter how jank it may look.

What are some Ohio-specific things you have learned about? Have you ever visited another state and were surprised by how different yet similar it could be? Share your fun stories, words, etc. in the comments below!